Skeletons in my closet.

I could not sleep all night. A bad dreams woke me up at 2 am. It was the same one, same recurring dream I have had since I was 17. 

So i lied in bed, checked my life expectancy via the internet test. It looks like I have five more years only if I continue with my habits. Yesterday I would have said it is fine, today I’m not that sure. I think, I hope, that at one point something will change.

Then just about the 4 am all my demons started to come back. I have not drunk a drop since yesterday morning. Maybe that is why? My past is coming to haunt me. I usually drink, to let it all go away. Being sober is tough.

So I had all those visions, pictures of my mistakes. 

My memory is bad. I tend to forget what happened last day, week, month. 

I remember I was happy once, or twice. I really was happy.

And I remember I was angry and scared too often. Like that day, just before I finished high-school, at age 17. I came back home. Father was back from a good rehab that week. He seemed well. But there was a change in his behavior, I knew then that he wants to drink. He sat at home, in his office. He had a bottle of scotch, close one at that point.

I asked him – What are you doing? You just spent thousands on rehab, please, don’t.

– Shut up, I will do what I want.  – He answered and then I saw the other bottle, empty.  

– You WILL NOT drink anymore, you will not! – I got furious as all previous effort was worthless. I took away that scotch, grabbed quickly a key to the office and locked him from outside.

– Open those doors, now! Give me that bottle back, I will do what I want – he repeated that like mantra.

– I will let you go out in few hours, when you sober up, when you understand that you do not want more drink. Sorry. – after he heard that, he started threatening me for half an hour, but I was stubborn.

– If you will not open the doors then I will go out through the window!!

– Go on then, Dad – I laughed

I heard a big noise outside and a scream. Dear God, he really jumped out, he really did it. At that point I was sure I killed my father. It was three meters down. I went out to see what happened, scared, panicked and shaky. He lied on the ground, then slowly started getting up, face covered in blood. He looked like a zombie, walking dead. Slowly started coming towards me, angry, mumbling that I tried to kill him. I closed the front doors as I was awfully scared of him, called the ambulance straight away. They arrived in 15 minutes, when Father was lying by front doors, he was unconscious by then.


I had some visions this night, I saw my mistakes, my relationship with – 40 years older than me – Richard, my unborn child (she would have been 2 years old by now, definitely with same golden blond hair, big lips and green eyes, just like me), episode when I worked as a stripper, that helpless feeling when I had 20k debt, the way I missed my twin sister so badly.

I signed to AA today. Maybe things will change soon. Things have to change. Now I just need some sleep.


I look for you in every man.



It has been four years since I looked into your eyes. I don’t know why I am writing this, not sure if I will send that email to you. My life is not a bed of roses, I just turned 25 last month and haven’t made any of my plans a reality. I guess you forgot or didn’t want to remember that date. It is not important to me anyway, as I do not celebrate that day. It is a one year closer to death – you used to tell me. I have not finished those studies, I have not become a lawyer, wife nor mother. Life is different here, thousand miles away from you. Different trees grow here, even the taste of water is not the same. I need to confess something. I woke up today, as usual – just around midday. My phone was ringing loudly. It was an old friend, he asked me can we meet for a lunch. I got furious instantly, I shouted at him, showered him with insults. He does not understand that I cannot go for a lunch, that I cannot get up early, that the only job I can manage somehow is my IT online stuff. And he wants me to go out during the day? I cannot force myself, I have tried, I swear, Dad, I have tried! I really wanted to get there, to live again. I just don’t know how anymore. So my friend called me “mental” and “schizo”, then put the phone down. I am still on medications,  different ones, stronger ones this time. Don’t think they work as I haven’t been out for six weeks now. Thanks god for online shopping and same day delivery!

Anyway, the moment after I finished a phone call, I took my scotch and started drinking. The bottle is always near my bed. Just like you used to keep it. Like a lover, so close that you can almost smell it. There is a big mirror on my wardrobe, I looked at myself, with bottle in my hand, destroyed life and messed up head. Heart still racing after furious arguments over the phone. I sat like that, and burst into tears. I lied on the floor and I cried. For a first time this year. For the first time I felt any emotion. Because I saw your reflection in my eyes, I heard your anger in my voice. I said I will never forgive you. But, Dad, I am just like you. I feel the same as you did over all those dark years. I understand now. When we love and when we hate we are like fire. And just like a fire it is better not to come too close.

And I want you to know that I forgive you. And I hope that one day I will see you again. You have the most blue eyes I have ever seen you know? I look for any sign of your presence and any little thing that will remind me of you, in every man I meet.