It has been four years since I looked into your eyes. I don’t know why I am writing this, not sure if I will send that email to you. My life is not a bed of roses, I just turned 25 last month and haven’t made any of my plans a reality. I guess you forgot or didn’t want to remember that date. It is not important to me anyway, as I do not celebrate that day. It is a one year closer to death – you used to tell me. I have not finished those studies, I have not become a lawyer, wife nor mother. Life is different here, thousand miles away from you. Different trees grow here, even the taste of water is not the same. I need to confess something. I woke up today, as usual – just around midday. My phone was ringing loudly. It was an old friend, he asked me can we meet for a lunch. I got furious instantly, I shouted at him, showered him with insults. He does not understand that I cannot go for a lunch, that I cannot get up early, that the only job I can manage somehow is my IT online stuff. And he wants me to go out during the day? I cannot force myself, I have tried, I swear, Dad, I have tried! I really wanted to get there, to live again. I just don’t know how anymore. So my friend called me “mental” and “schizo”, then put the phone down. I am still on medications, different ones, stronger ones this time. Don’t think they work as I haven’t been out for six weeks now. Thanks god for online shopping and same day delivery!
Anyway, the moment after I finished a phone call, I took my scotch and started drinking. The bottle is always near my bed. Just like you used to keep it. Like a lover, so close that you can almost smell it. There is a big mirror on my wardrobe, I looked at myself, with bottle in my hand, destroyed life and messed up head. Heart still racing after furious arguments over the phone. I sat like that, and burst into tears. I lied on the floor and I cried. For a first time this year. For the first time I felt any emotion. Because I saw your reflection in my eyes, I heard your anger in my voice. I said I will never forgive you. But, Dad, I am just like you. I feel the same as you did over all those dark years. I understand now. When we love and when we hate we are like fire. And just like a fire it is better not to come too close.
And I want you to know that I forgive you. And I hope that one day I will see you again. You have the most blue eyes I have ever seen you know? I look for any sign of your presence and any little thing that will remind me of you, in every man I meet.